Choose your own adventure: 4-realz!

Since you have been climbing such a steep cliff, you are a bit tired, and decide to sit down in the rocking chair.
So you sit down, and rock back and forth, looking out to sea, as the pleasant sea breeze blows across your face. Rocking back and forth. And back and forth. You think to yourself how peaceful it is up here, and start to think about the past, and how everything that was so stressful yesterday has completely disappeared now that you are on some island, not knowing how you got there.

You think back to yesterday...
You remember waking up to the sound of your alarm going off, much earlier than you think it should have been. You rose out of bed and slipped on a condom wrapper, hitting your head on the side of the bed. Dazed, you stand up. Condom wrapper? Oh yeah, last night. "I must have been pretty drunk," you say to yourself as you look around the room. Something seems to be missing. Well, besides your girlfriend. Usually she is still asleep, as she works as a barista at night. By her nightstand you find a note. Picking it up, you unfortunately read it: "Dearest Mike. This isn't working. You are a boy, and I need a man. Plus, the sex isn't very good. (You nod your head in agreement to this as you read it.) Please don't come back to Stonestore looking for me, and I think it would be best if we never talk again. Also, I needed some cab fare, so I took some money from your wallet. I hope this is ok. Peace out! - Deborah."

You look down at your wallet and notice that what used to be filled with 300 dollars american you had just taken from the ATM is now empty. Your subway card, which had one more stamp to go is also missing! That bitch!

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, the shower wouldn't get hot enough, you went to work, were yelled at by your boss who threatened to fire you, again. You know the boss, the one with the godawful Tom Selleck mustache, bald head and grease stains on his tie. Then you called up your friends and asked them to go out drinking with you that night. Of course you didn't go to Stonestore, that would have been a terrible idea. Jim recommends you try Ulysses, and you all meet up there at 9. You remember having a couple of drinks, and Jim suggested something to you. What was it? It seemed like a great idea for someone with as shitty a life as you have, or I guess had... Why can't you remember what it was? Maybe if you really concentrate on it...


You jump up startled, apparently you had dozed off, but now there is a giant black bird that has landed on the cliffside in front of you! Holy Shit! You fall back, almost tipping the rocking chair over and tumbling down the cliff. Almost. You look at the bird in sheer terror. It looms over you, its black feathers glisten in the setting sun, and casts a dark shadow over all of you. (Which is strange, because doesn't the sun usually set in the west?) It's horribly mangled beak, probably used for breaking open shells for more years than you have been alive, is now just inches away from your face. It looks at you with its black eyes, slightly glazed over with slight cataracts, staring, never blinking, for what feels like hours. You really don't want to move, you really don't want to do anything. But for some reason, even with this crazy bird all up in your space, you still would trade this life for your previous one.

Finally, like 3 hours later, you decide you should do something. What should you do?


  1. Eat a bowl of wheatabix.

    Feed vegemite to the birds.

  2. Grab the bird, hop on his back, and ride him all the way to the mountains!!!!!!!

  3. Have the bird peck out an eyeball, then crawl inside the empty socket and navigate the shell of a body through the rest of the adventure